


Never Going To Go

by Coldandbroken



Series: Not Close Enough, Too Far Away [3]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Barry, Insecure Oliver, Insecurity, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-05 19:47:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13394970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coldandbroken/pseuds/Coldandbroken
Summary: Oliver knows that he's running out of time with Barry; he'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop since they got together, but he's accepted it a long time ago. He knew that, at some point, he would be left alone by the speedster for one reason or another, but dammit, that doesn't mean he can't enjoy it while it lasts. His only hope is that he can still function when Barry's gone.





	Never Going To Go

It was no unusual thing for Oliver to lay and warch Barry sleep next to him when he arrived home late, but only recently had his thoughts taken a turn he's very familiar with. Oliver was good at ignoring his problems - just ask any of his friends - and this was no different, so even when that voice in the back of his head started whispering one late night nearing 6 months of being together, he just climbed in with Barry. They only had one more day before Barry had to return to his city again.

It started out small and weak, but Oliver was all too familiar with this cycle. It was a simple thought that sparked everything, though, Oliver's tired mind unclear in its thinking while observing a sleeping Barry - his Barry - and a clear thought suddenly shined through the haze of fatigue.

_Wow. It's amazing you've gotten this far and lasted this long. You should enjoy it while it lasts._

The voice in the back of Oliver's head only grew louder and more vicious as the weeks went on, and more persistent, but also more truthful. Oliver found it more difficult not to listen to it, and eventually it won out.

 _Spend less time at the office._ That was the first thought that Oliver listened to, prompting him to make it a personal mission to be home no later than 8:00. He was more than happy with the reactions of both William and Barry when the first night Oliver came home at 6:30, an ache behind his eyes and much too relieved to take his tie off. He found the two watching some TV show, and he smiled at them both. He was so incredibly lucky that his son and his boyfriend got along so well, he wouldn't know what he'd do if they didn't. The surprised smiles on both of their faces filled Oliver with an amazing, warm feeling, and he couldn't help but smile back, ruffling both of their heads and getting matching playful whines in return. The reaction of the two was worth anything, so a few more headaches and a couple more skipped lunches in return for more time with his lover and son was a worthwhile trade off. From there it was a downhill climb of Oliver obeying his inner voice.

 _Be more affectionate to Barry._ Of course. It was no secret that Barry liked physical affection, always up for hugs or leaning on his friend (in the literal sense); nor was it a secret Oliver tended to shy away from it all. In all honesty, Oliver thought that would've been one of the biggest deal breakers for Barry, and he was surprised Barry never spoke up about it. It was probably one of the biggest reasons Barry would leave him, so maybe if he changed that, he would stay a little bit longer. (Oliver doubted it, but he was going to try anyway). So he started cuddling Barry in bed, making an effort to not flinch at Barry's touches or incoming movements, even allowing him to touch his scars. Anything Barry was in the mood for, Oliver made himself in the mood for it too. While confused at first, Oliver was pretty sure that Barry eventually came to enjoy this new change, and Oliver wasn't displeased with the way Barry showed his thanks.

 _Buy him that new laptop he was checking out the other day at the mall, maybe some other stuff too._ The order for it was in before he joined Barry in bed that night (or rather early morning). A few days later, he handed the box to Barry at dinner, and Oliver made sure to memorize the curve and taste of the kiss Barry have him as thanks before he lost it. Barry of course protested at first, saying that Oliver shouldn't have spent that much money on him. Oliver kissed the protest from his lips, because of course he needed to. Barry was just politely putting up a fight, but Oliver wanted to make sure he knew he didn't need to do that with him. Barry didn't need to pretend he didn't want things; he already spent so much of his time putting others' wants before his own, in Oliver’s mind he was at a minimum just paying Barry back. (Oliver thought about this later in their bed, and how maybe Barry knew what he was doing, trying to make him stay, and was subtly telling him that he didn't want to be in Oliver's debt by asking for gifts and have to be there longer than he needed to, and God, Oliver hated how even realizing that didn’t stop him from buying Barry a nice watch a few days later.)

Next, Oliver decided to tackle possibly the biggest criticism he gets; _Be nicer to people._ Oliver's change in treatment of people seemed to be immediately noticed by...everyone, really. Most people probably shrugged off Oliver's change in behavior as Barry's good influence, which he was inclined to agree with. In a way, they weren’t wrong, but some of it was probably different than they thought. Barry made him his best self (Oliver was convinced that that was still everyone else's worst), and he tried to constantly remind himself to not change the way he treated anyone after Barry left. While most of the people in his life just went with this positive version,he was confused as to why Felicity and Dig’s _looks_ were getting more frequent as the days went on; he would've thought they,of all people, would be happier to see him being nicer. (Oliver privately thought that it was because they could tell he was only doing it for Barry. He couldn't figure out whether they looked at him like that because they were disappointed he was being selfish by making Barry stay longer or not. It was then that he chose to not tell them about the gifts or the other steps he was taking to prolong this.) At this major change, Barry definitely noticed, but only furrowed his eyebrows and bit his lip in thought instead of mentioning it, so Oliver took that as a win.

 _Go win over his friends, or at least make them hate you less._ If there was one reason Barry would leave him, even if Oliver was a good person or the hero others believed him to be, it would be because of his friends and family. If his friends or his family truly, honestly didn't think Barry should be with him, Oliver had no doubt that them together could get Barry to do anything. Oliver thought that they only tolerated him because they knew that he and Barry were... more likely short-term. But he understood, God did he understand. Oliver didn't hold any of that against them, because he knew his reputation, and he was mainly just happy that Barry had so many people, and was able to relax knowing that there would be people to comfort Barry after he left. To stop him from coming back to Oliver, because he just knew that Barry - his amazing, bighearted, guilt ridden Barry - would feel bad for leaving. He would want to help Oliver, he'd never want to hurt him on purpose, but the last thing Oliver would ever want is to be the reason Barry was unhappy. When he left, Oliver was happy that Barry would have his friends and family there to comfort him, to prevent him from sacrificing his happiness again for someone else, someone who didn't deserve it, and to help him find someone who did deserve Barry. So Oliver did what he could when visiting Central city. The first time he surprised Barry at work with two bags from Big Belly Burger, almost everyone at the station gawked as the mayor of Star City walked into the station. Joe had walked up to him, asking him what he was doing there and what he wanted, and in a kind voice, Oliver answered. Joe bit his lip but let him go, but his face quickly turned to surprise when Oliver handed Joe one of the bags. Oliver spent Barry's lunch break with him just talking and laughing, and Oliver could almost believe he could _have_ this. Every once in a while, he also dropped by the lab, giving gifts that Felicity helped him find and trying to start up conversations with Barry's friends. Admittedly, they didn't go very well; they usually ended up with Oliver realizing either how smart Barry was, or how he was a true hero (normally prompting Oliver's familiar feelings on just how much Oliver knew he wasn't).

After a couple months of coming home earlier and watching his words, Oliver was getting kind of confused. Barry was staying much longer than he had originally anticipated, so maybe he'd convinced... No, that couldn't be it. Oliver snapped himself away from that train of thought. He'd always love Barry, but he couldn't handle getting his hopes up. Barry would leave, and if he didn't do that as soon as Oliver had thought, then it was only a matter of time before Oliver messed everything up. Oliver turned over in his bed and pulled a sleeping Barry closer to his chest, staring down at the light of the city stream in onto them both. Barry shifted in his sleep, nuzzling his nose into his boyfriend's neck. Oliver could feel his own heartbeat, hear it in his ears, slow and strong. It spoke to his trust and love of the speedster.

Oliver trailed his fingers over the exposed skin of Barry's shoulder, over the marks that Oliver loved making onto his skin that would be healed by the morning. It let Oliver have the illusion that Barry was his, and only his. It was nice to try and think that once in a while, and he could almost let himself believe it, but only when he was looking at Barry's beautiful expressions in bed or feeling his lips over his skin. The scariest thing to Oliver wasn't knowing he didn't deserve any of it (he never had, really); it wasn't that he knew this all would end, eventually, inevitably, despite his best efforts; it wasn't even that he knew that the only reason Barry had stayed was probably because of guilt (the voice was quick to point this out, Barry either felt guilty that he hadn't broken it off when his feelings went away, or Oliver was just so pathetic that Barry would feel guilty for leaving Oliver broken, and God, would Oliver be broken). No, the scariest thing was that Oliver didn't know when Barry would leave.

Not exactly, anyway. He knew it would probably be within the month, no more than two, depending on how good Oliver was to Barry. He was terrified of coming home to find a note (if Barry went through the effort, and oh God, it was so much worse to imagine getting no explanation) and an empty bedroom, or Barry sitting him on the couch and nervously explains that he was leaving, but it was not knowing if it was going to be in a day, or a week, or a month if he was lucky (but he's never that lucky, and he knows it) that kept him up on nights like this. Barry grumbled in his sleep, drawing Oliver out of his musings. Oliver sighed and kissed the top of Barry's neck, closing his eyes. He might as well enjoy it, this closeness and intimacy, this safety and vulnerability, while he could.

Oliver paid close attention to Barry the the next couple days. If only to get a clearer idea of how long they had together, and how Barry was feeling about it. He noticed Barry's worried glances when he thought that his boyfriend wasn't looking, and that was a nice sentiment, confirmation that Barry still cared about Oliver, in some form. It was comforting, or as comforting as possible, to him, knowing that Barry did actually want Oliver to be happy, that he was genuinely worried about Oliver, and the affect of breaking up would be. Oliver wanted to comfort Barry, tell him what he was going to do was the right choice, because it was, Barry should find somebody who deserved his love. He should find someone who made him as happy as Barry made Oliver.

It was in those days that Oliver noticed the hushed, secretive phone calls at night. At first, he assumed that Barry had met someone else. To Oliver, it wasn’t that far out of the realm of possibility. However, on the nights where he suited up, he noticed Felicity doing the same right afterward. He wasn’t dumb (well, some would disagree, and it was true that he wasn’t exactly a star student), he made the connection real quick after the third time he and the team had come back to Felicity on the phone with someone, whose she hung up with quickly after they arrived. The real question was _why. Why_  were Felicity and Barry talking more than usual, and so secretely?

 _What, Barry’s not allowed to have friends now? Don’t be so controlling._ Oliver berated himself after that thought. Who was he to say who Barry talked to? Felicity was Barry’s friends too, and Oliver trusted both of them. If Barry was talking to Felicity, he should have more faith in them both. He’d learned long ago what the consequences for not trusting them both were. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he began to leave, just finishing putting his costume up. He paused as Felicity’s footsteps stopped behind him, and he spun around towards her.

She bit her lip and shifted her weight, a clear sign of her nervousness. “Ollie, you know...you know that Barry loves you, right?”

Oliver almost laughed. Almost. Barry couldn’t _love_  him; Oliver was a couple pages in Barry’s story, a man who’d be blurry and vague in his memories. Sure, Barry cared about him, he cared about everyone so deeply, even those like not like himself; those who didn’t deserve it. But _love?_  No, Barry couldn’t love him, he wasn’t worth it. Oliver was lucky to be where his is, for as long as he has, with Barry.

”What’s this about, Felicity?” Oliver could feel the look Felicity was giving him, even after he turned his head. Felicity was quiet for a minute until Oliver looked at her once again.

”Oliver, I know what you’re doing.” She scolded him, and how, after years of hearing her do this, she managed to sound just as scary, he’d never know. “I know you, Oliver, I know what you’re trying to do. You did the same thing with me. It isn’t healthy, for either of you. You're practically destroying yourself, and Barry... Oliver, you really need to talk to him. He’s noticed you changing, and he’s worried. God, we all have, but you- we don’t need- you shouldn't to do that for us. For _him_. _”_

Oliver actually did snort at that. Of course he did, how else was he going to get Barry to stay? Except... oh. That’s what this is about. Felicity was trying to get him to realize that it wouldn’t help, in the end. Well, he knew that already. So, she’s trying to...get him to break up with Barry himself. She should know that he wasn’t strong _or_  good enough to do that on his own. It comes to him then that she’s probably trying to get him to prepare himself. Barry was going to do it tonight, wasn’t he?

“God, Barry can-he’ll do this himself. Just...just go see him tonight, okay? Talk to him, please? I‘ll make sure William’s okay with staying at his friends’, but Ollie please, just...” Felicity trailed off. Oliver’s heart was broken by the end of the sentence, and he didn’t trust his voice in that moment, so he nodded mutely. Felicity put her hand on his shoulder in comfort, but Oliver couldn’t handle it right then. He brushed past her, leaving for his apartment. 

He didn’t remember anything about the walk home, his tired feet carrying him without him thinking. He paused in front of the door, feeling numb and his mind blank in dull acceptance. When he opened the door, whatever he was expecting wasn’t this. A small, but delicious smelling dinner was on the table and a nervous looking Barry was pacing in the living room, which stopped as Oliver stepped into his house and closed the door softly behind him. He walked closer to his pacing boyfriend- ex? Soon-to-be-just-friend?- and hesitantly wrapped his arms around the other. When he pulled back Barry nervously ushered him into a seat at the table. Even when he was about to break up with him, Oliver still found Barry adorable and beautiful and- he cut that line of thought off quick. He should get used to that, because he’s going to be doing that a lot soon.

”Ollie.” Barry’s voice was quiet, and Oliver looked at him. At least it wasn’t going to be a loud break up. Barry cleared his throat, and seemed to struggle with the next words, his mouth moving without sound for a moment before speaking again. “ Ollie, do you- do you... Do you want me to leave?”

Oliver looked at him in shock then confusion, before schooling his features. He couldn’t answer, he couldn’t say no; that would make Barry stay, and as much as he wanted that, looking at Barry now, he knew he would never forgive himself if he said that. Because looking at Barry now, he was able to see this was him asking permission to go, and he knew that if he said no right now, Barry would stay. Barry just so nice and caring and big hearted, Oliver knew he would stay for Oliver’s sake, and Oliver couldn’t do that to him. But God, Oliver couldn’t bring himself to say yes, and he hated himself for it. He’d known this was coming, he’d prepared himself for this, and when it came down to it  _he couldn’t say yes_. He could always push people away, but when he really knew he needed them, he wouldn’t ever let go until the other person did.

”I...I want what you want, Barry. If you...if you want to go, then you can go. I’m not going to stop you.” Oliver got quieter as he spoke, staring at where he was poking at the to food with his fork. Barry’s silverware clanked on the plate and table and he stood up to pace. Oliver jerked up to look at him as he ran a hand through his hair and tugged on it.

”That isn’t- that isn’t what I asked, Oliver.” This was admittedly not the outcome Oliver had expected. Barry was much more...stressed than He had thought he’d be. Barry took deep breaths as he kept pacing. “Do you- do you want some space, is that it? Have I been crowding you? Or is it that I haven’t been giving you enough attention? I swear, Oliver, I can- I can...Oliver please, I don’t know what you want.”

Oliver could tell how upset Barry was. He was shocked into silence, able to understand what Barry was saying about as well as he was comprehending how Barry was still _there._ Oliver tried to speak but nothing came out. Barry continued on anyways.

“It was nice, at first, I could tell how much you were trying for me. You-you talked with my friends, you made an effort with Joe, and you treated me so, so good, Ollie. I tried- I tried to repay you, how I could, but I can’t measure up to the stuff you gave me! You got me a laptop just as a gift, and if you wanted sex, you could have anybody else if you wanted, and they’d be so much hotter and better. And then I noticed you were getting headaches more, and I knew how hard you must’ve been pushing yourself, and for me? You didn’t have to do that, but you _did_ , and how could I- I can’t- I just...”

Still, Oliver was silent. How could- _what_? Barry _was_ repaying him, every second he stuck around, every night he spent in Oliver’s bed, was payment enough. Sex was a bonus, in his mind, and Oliver most definitely wasn’t ever going to complain about that bonus (even if he wanted to, there wasn’t anything to complain about in that department), but how could Barry think that he could ever want anyone else? That anyone could measure up to him? And it wasn’t even enough! Oliver couldn’t give Barry what he deserved if he’d tried, and he tried. But look what it caused. An upset Barry who didn’t know how much Oliver loved him, a Barry who knew what he was doing and didn’t understand  _why_ , didn’t know that him leaving Oliver behind in the dust was inevitable. It got him a Barry who thought this was _his fault_ , who thought Oliver was doing this because he wasnt showing enough of his love.

Barry was still pacing, but he wasn’t speaking anymore. “I...I love you, Ollie. I can’t seem to express that enough, but I do, I swear I do.” Oliver felt his breath catch in his throat and tears well up in his eyes to match Barry, almost sobbing. “But if you... if I didn’t... Ollie if you want... do you want to break up?”

Barry has stopped pacing, facing towards Oliver, but his eyes not leaving the ground. He was crying in the short silence of the room, his body shaking from trying to stay quiet. Oliver was ashamed at what he’d done. His mouth unfroze and he was able to utter a quiet, wet, “No.”

Oliver rushed out of his seat to catch Barry, who’s knees gave out and he began sobbing with relief. Oliver hugged Barry closely to his chest, Barry clutching at his shirt like a lifeline. The only thing Oliver could focus on was Barry, he was sobbing, _and it was all his fault, this was exactly what he was trying to avoid, oh god, how could Barry have ever stayed this long with him, look what he caused-_

Barry’s lips were soft against his own, surprising him enough to tug him away from his thoughts. In the same moment he became aware he was speaking out loud, he became aware of the hot tracks on his own cheeks, but only made a move to cup Barry’s cheeks in his palms, wiping away the other’s tears with his thumbs. Barry pressed his cheek against the one that remained as Oliver reached up to run his hand through the other man’s hair.

”I love you. I’m so sorry, Ollie, I thought-“ Barry was shushed and the arms around him tightened a little. The two didn’t know how long they’d stayed there, but at some point, Oliver shifted and made a move to get up, but Barry clutched him tighter. Oliver let out an amused huff, still in awe that Barry was even still _here._  He lifted the other up, walking them both to the couch, laying Barry on top of his chest

”I-I don’t even know where to begin.” Barry chuckled lightly, and it felt so out of place to Oliver, so undeserved. “I don’t know why you’re here with me right now. I don’t know why you- you’ve stayed so long. I don’t- I don’t deserve you, Barry, you’re a _hero_ , you care so deeply about everyone, and you see the best in everyone. You want to help people, and you’re so strong, and smart, and- how could _I_ of all people end up with you?”

Barry sat up shocked, then immediately shifted around again to look directly at Oliver. “ Yes, how could _you_ , a smart, skillfull, beautiful, strong, determined, amazing guy who saves the city on a regular basis, and occasionally the world, end up with someone like me.” Oliver couldn’t help but give a small smile. “I honestly don’t know how you got the idea that I was gonna leave into your head.” Oliver’s response of ‘it made sense’ was met with Barry shaking his head.

That night, it didn’t matter when they’d finally fallen asleep after hours of both talking and just basking in their closeness, smiles passed between them and kisses given freely. At some point, they moved into the bedroom, and Oliver finally understood that _this_ , this was all Barry needed from him, because _this_ , this was payment enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in so LONG JESUS CHRIST I swear I'm not dead, just depressed, tired and lazy, but what else is new. I had an inkling of an idea recently about this and decided to run with it. I'd apologize for the angst, but I'm not actually sorry. I show my love of characters through torture. I honestly didn't mean for it to be THIS angsty, though, but I don't be afraid to comment! I’m sorry for any mistakes, but I hope you enjoy it anyways!


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